Five Schools Kaito Never Attended
by J-Kid
Summary: Five crossover drabbles for the price of one! Short stories featuring Kuroba Kaito in different schools in worlds such as Hogwarts, Naruto, Ouran High School, Star Wars, and Discworld.


Five Schools Kaito Never Attended

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Konoha Ninja Academy

Ouran High School

Jedi Temple

Thieves' Guild, Ankh-Morpork

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HOGWARTS:

"Wait, Kaito," Akoko said, astonished. "You went to Hogwarts? But I thought you only knew the slight-of-hand that your father taught you."

"Well, I did go for about a month or so," Kaito admitted sheepishly.

"But it's a really prestigious school! I mean, Durmstrang's obviously better, but I don't understand why you opted to leave the wizarding world for-- for_this._" Akoko waved her hand expansivly as if to encompass the entire highschool. "Why, did you not like the House you were sorted into or something?"

"Oh no. The Hufflepuffs were really nice."

"Then what? Did the teachers have a bone against you?"

Kaito grinned. Snape certainly hadn't appreciated Kaito's tricks after about the first week, although the man really didn't have any proof to try and get him expelled . . . "No, it wasn't anything like that."

" . . . . You're not going to tell me, are you?"

"Well, let's just say their food didn't agree with me."

Puzzled, Akoko tilted her head. "I thought you would have appreciated all the British sweets, although I shudder to think of you on an almost permanent sugar-high."

"Like I said, it wasn't anything personal; Hogwarts just didn't work out for me." _All right, Akoko,_ Kaito thought to himself as he waved good-bye. _You__try surviving in a place that serves kippers for breakfast on a daily bases. _

Being constantly almost physically sick do to fish proximity tended to damper Koruba Kaito's usually high tolerance level for general chaos. The moving stairs hadn't bothered him, or even the wacky professors and the little he'd heard about Quidditch had sounded exciting-- although he hadn't even watched his first game before he'd turned in his wand to to the Headmaster. Still, it hadn't been exactly hard to fake homesickness either. He really had missed Kaasan and Aoko-chan.

All in all, Kaito was glad he was out of attending the school for witchcraft and wizardry in England. Akoko could take her 'real' magic and stuff it. Kaito preferred illusionist's work by far.

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NINJA ACADEMY:

"I'm _not_ putting Naruto and Kaito together in the same team," Iruka protested, eyeing the Hokage suspiciously as if checking to make absolutely sure the old man was still sane. "Do you have any idea what kind of trouble Kuroba and Uzumaki would get into together? There's a reason I made sure they were never in the same class and let Mizuki-sensei handle Kuroba-kun."

"Kuroba Kaito doesn't have a bloodline, correct?"

"Yes, but he may as well have a 'bloodline.' His father is the magician Kuroba Toichi-san-- and the man was rather famous around the world before he had to go into hiding from Snake-san and his men. I swear that boy was made for spy work and reconnaissance; he knows things even we haven't taught him and is a master of _henge_, disguises, and voice manipulations. If Toichi-san doesn't have his own secrets he hasn't told us, I'll eat his ridiculously tall hat myself, but the boy is nothing if not loyal to his family."

"You said you had another problem about making Kuroba-kun a genin. His father's past surely can't be the only reason-- the boy passed the genin test with flying colors."

Iruka sighed. "Kaito-kun just doesn't have the right temperament, sir."

The Hokage's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

"He doesn't like to hurt anyone," Iruka said bluntly. "I've noticed it, Mizuki-sensei noticed it, and other teachers have seen it too. He has an adversion to killing--and that's just part of the job, whether we like it or not. We have classes talking about the aftershock of the first kill, but I don't think even Kaito understands what that means, even with his reluctance to harm anyone. He apologizes to people after spars with if they get hurt and never aims for the killing blow. Incapacitation, yes, but he's too soft. I think if he actually went out on the field and had to kill another ninja, he'd either freeze and die or be ruined mentally for life. He'd be more of a liability than an asset."

"Why have you said nothing about this before?"

"I wanted to give him a chance. I have to admit, for all of his recklessness there's just something appealing about him . . . the same kind of charisma his father has."

"Very well then . . ." Sarutoba Hokage said wearily. "Iruka, there's a reason I put you in charge of our young ones. You may have the right of it. I'll let you make the final decision if Kuroba-kun passes this year or not; but I say let the boy attend the Academy another year if he likes. He may mature within that time and be willing to be used as a weapon for Konoha."

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OURAN HIGH SCHOOL:

Aoko later protested that it wasn't her fault that the vase broke as she swept down the broom toward Kaito's fleeing form. They froze as the obviously expensive piece shattered into thousands of irreparable shards. "Kaito," Aoko hissed nervously, and they both reflexively glanced around in the hopes that no one had seen them. Aoko clutched the broom that had broken the object to her chest.

Unfortunately they weren't so lucky. "We were going to sell that vase at our next auction-- starting at 8 million yen," a red-headed boy said as he stepped towards them.

"I . . . it's my fault," Aoko said softly, but Kaito could tell she was on the verge of tears. "I'll pay you back, I promise!"

The redhead's twin brother joined with a smirk."Can you? You're father's only the head of police, right Nakamori-chan? He can't make that much. He hasn't even caught the Kid after more than twenty years."

"_Why you. . ._"

"Now, now," Kaito said, holding up his hands in hopes to diffuse the situation as the senior club members loomed over them. Even though he and Aoko had not been at the prestigious Ouran High School long he already knew most of their names. It didn't pay to be careless. "You can't blame Nakamori-Keibu. After all, The Kid is the famous Phantom Thief." He glanced over at his best friend. "Anyway, It's not all Aoko-chan's fault the vase broke. I'm partially to blame too, so I'll do what I can to pay for it as well."

The other boys looked over him as if in consideration. "He is rather handsome and charismatic. Perhaps he can act as an older brother type?" one of them said doubtfully. "I can't see him being rebellious."

"Wait, what--" Aoko began.

The older blond young man bowed to her, taking her hand. "Innocent Nakamori-chan, I can see you have not yet been acquainted with our Host Club. Our deepest desire is to make our beautiful customers happy; we live to serve the women of our school. I am Tamaki-senpai. We each take on a role in this unique game and bring pleasure to the rich young ladies who come into our doors. If he must work for us, he should join our ranks until he pays off his half of the debt."

"_Oh._"

Aoko wished that Kaito didn't sound so enlighted. "I see." Kaito gently pried Tamaki-senpai's hand away from Aoko-chan's. He flourished a bow even more impressive than Tamaki-senpai's. "May I make a suggestion, then?"

The tall boy with narrow eyes stared down at Aoko's friend. "Nothing would stop you," he observed.

"I can be anyone you wish," Kaito said as he stood up. Aoko stared. Suddenly Kaito was six inches taller and had long blond hair and a mustache; his school uniform had somehow changed to a military outfit. "But if illusions are your game," Kaito continued in a deep, hoarse whisper in a voice entirely not his own, "no one can beat me." A rose appeared in his fingertips, and he closed his fingers over it until his fingers were interlocked. As he spread them open a dove broke free from his protective hold and flew towards the top of his room.

"Ahh! Can you make cake? Cake?!"

"_What?_ Of course Kaito can't make cakes," Aoko protested, although she couldn't help but smile at the eager kid.

"I beg to differ." Kaito had returned to normal in the blink of an eye. "Honey-senpai, would you like strawberry cake or chocolate?"

"Chocolate! No-- Strawberry. Argh! I can't decide! Mori-kun," Honey-senpai whined as he turned to the boy standing behind him, "can't I have both?"

"No."

"Please!"

"No."

"Well," said Kyouya dryly, "at least we know Kuroba-kun can earn his keep. But what is Nakamori-chan supposed to do?"

The boys all turned to look at her. She flushed in embarrassment as they pondered the problem.

"Can't she be a Host Club member too?" Kaito asked.

"KAITO!" yelled Aoko.

"She's not a guy."

"Well, no . . . but . . . I could dress her up as one, it couldn't be that hard. Or she could be available in case you have any lady clients who, um . . ." Kaito trailed off as he noticed Aoko-chan's red face. He hurriedly continued as Aoko steadied her broom and prepared to whack him with it again: "who, er, like other girls--" Kaito dodged and prayed the broom handle wouldn't break the tiles on the floor, wincing at the noise. "Or she could be a tomboy!"

"_Who are you calling a tomboy?!_" _WHACK_. Aoko gritted her teeth as she watched Kaito vault onto the grand piano to escape her broom, her knuckles white. He'd better get off that thing quickly or there'd be no piano _left _ and NO ONE would play _The Moonlight Sonada_ on it ever again

"I kind of like Kaito-kun's second idea," mused one of the twins.

"Me too, it's original," said his double. "Tamaki-senpai?"

"Well . . . it couldn't hurt to try it," the senior said, tapping his chin. "She could dress up as a boy and still hit on the girls. It could work . . ."

"Y-y-you're seriously considering this-- this idiocy? Aoko spat, temporarily forgeting Kaito and rounding on the entire Host Club.

"I'm afraid you wouldn't have a choice," Kyouya remarked. "After all, you _were_ the one who broke the vase, even if Kaito-kun was baiting you; a young lady with proper manners would have been able to find another means to exact a more appropriate kind of revenge, especially within the halls of this school. You should be grateful we have decided not to report your misdemeaner to the principal."

Oh. Crap. Aoko knew there was a reason she shouldn't have tried so hard to enter the same wealthy, high-class school her mother had attended so long ago, especially not with Kaito following her each step of the way as "support"-- although really it had surprised them both that he had actually been accepted. He had treated the entrance exams like a complete joke, supposedly going along for her sake. She should have known it would have landed her in more trouble than she could handle; this would _not_ be something she could tell her father.

Dammit, this was _all _Kaito's fault!

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JEDI TEMPLE:

"_There is no emotion; there is peace._

_There is no ignorance; there is knowledge._

_There is no passion; there is serenity._

_There is no death; there is the Force."_

Konosuke Jii folded his hands together as he watched the younglings chant the old proverb, their eyes half-glazed over at the familiar words pounded into their brains by their elders. His own attention was focused on a young boy with messy brown hair and long, slim hands, the same as his father . . . the hands as the young man who had once been his Padawan. Toichi . . .

"Looking at young Kaito, you are."

Jii spun at the gravelly voice. "Er. Yes."

"His father's son, he is Master Jii, though know him Kaito did not." Yoda's keen eyes examined the old man. "Worried about something, you are."

"Master Yoda . . ." Jii began, his voice breaking. "It's _my_ fault Toichi died, and it's _my_ fault that I brought Kaito to the Jedi Temple, away from his mother and any normal life he might have once had. I don't believe Toichi would ever forgive me for that. I don't deserve to train Kaito as my Padawan."

"If train him you do not," Master Yoda said softly, "train him who will? Short on Masters we are, but double up we cannot. Go to the farming colonies on Bandomeer he must."

The ultimate disgrace. Jii swallowed hard and looked away.

"More time to meditate you need, I see. Alone I will leave you for now."

Master Jii barely heard the Master Yoda leave. He had already turned back to look at young Kaito Kuroba wistfully, but already his mind was halfway made up.

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THIEVE'S GUILD, ANKH-MORPORK:

"No, no, young Mister Kuroba, honestly, you ought to have enrolled you into the Fool's Guild with as much _racket _as you make. If I told Lord Flannelfoot of your mockery of our traditions, you'd be expelled for sure, or hung and quartered."

Kaito glanced down disapprovingly at his outfit. "This is supposed to make me stand out _less?_" Kaito asked pointedly, gesturing at the black and white striped shirt.

"It's rules, and stealing in that white cape and hat of yours is sheer idiocy."

"But it's _my_ idiocy. I'm the thief, so does it really matter how I choose to go about my heist?"

His instructor scowled and scratched at his beared. "Anyway, the buildings in Ankh-Morpork aren't tall enough to catch enough updraft for your silly hang glider contraption to work. No doubt you'd run circles around Vimes and the Nightwatch if you could, but it's not polite to taunt them so. You'll get into more trouble than it's worth. At least you had the sense to come to us to get your license, but honestly--"

Kaito tuned him out.

It had been about a month since he'd somehow arrived in Ankh-Morpork, and at first it had been difficult to believe that this place was considered the cultural hub of its day. Not to mention the culture shock. Fortunately Kaito was generally pretty easy-going, although dwarves, the Luggage, trolls and Guilds for everything under the sun (including the "Seamstress's" Guild, Beggar's Guild, Assassin's Guild, and the Thieve's Guild, took a little bit of time to get used to.) And then there were the things that went _bump _in the night, like Vampires, bogey men, and the Igors. Every time he turned the corner it seemed there was something new.

Apparently he'd travelled to Ankh-Morpork via some 'hiccup in the cosmic universe'-- more luck than he'd deserved, considering one of Snake's men had been sniping at him during his latest heist in Tokyo and had managed to graze him just before he vanished. He'd consulted the local wizards about a way home, but they had been rather less than helpful. Their library was also off-limits to civilians (something about vicious flying books) but anyway how helpful could an orangutan be who could only say "Oook"?

He'd even _met_ the Commander of the Nightwatch, a man named Sam Vimes who reminded him of a swarthier version of Nakamori Ginzo-- the Thieve's Guild had taken their students on a very informative tour of the Nightwatch guardhouse and the goals where they would be taken if they stepped out of line. Vimes had made a rather gruff speach, looking entirely rumpled and out of place in his fancy outfit, because he was supposed to be a Duke of some kind or another.

It was really too bad he and the Thieve's Guild were having differences of opinions about exactly how Kaito was supposed to legally carry out heists . . . . there was absolutely no way Kaito was going to be seen _ever_ wearing this outfit.

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Legal stuff: I don't own any of the things I've crossed over. Seriously.

Also, I know this is a totally crazy and whacked out fic, but I had much fun writing it. If you enjoyed reading it too, I'd like to know, so drop me a review; I promise I won't bite! There is no sequel planned for any of these drabbles.


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